This week it will be 2 weeks since Haziq is with me. For those yang tk tau...for the past one and a half month my parents were taking care of Haziq back in Ipoh. Reason being risau nak anta to a babysitter. Ye la kan...you hear so many stories pasal babysitter dera baby la...this and that...so after my pantang I agreed with the arrangement. But...urs truly ni tak boleh tahan rindukan si Haziq....nangis ari2....nangis on the phone when I hear his voice...nangis in the middle of the night when I suddenly wake up...yes..I cried a lot. So in the end....we looked for a babysitter near by our place and convinced my parents with the new arrangement. Akak yang we met ni was recommended by hubby's friend's mom.....so I'm a bit confident. Start June aritu, Haziq is beside me all time and so far I have no complains with the way Akak Ani takes care of Haziq. She even tolong potongkan kuku Haziq coz his Ibu here terlalu la takut nak potongkan.........so I'm suppose to be a happy mommy.......NOT!!!!!!!!!
I'm unhappy not because I feel burdened taking care of Haziq..of course not. I'm unhappy because I feel guilty. Now I feel guilty sending him to a stranger...I feel guilty everytime I get him ready in the morning...I feel guilty when he looks at me everytime I put on his clothes, I feel guilty every morning when I bid goodbye and kiss him before I leave for work, I feel guilty all the time and as I am writing this tears are rolling down my cheek...sheeessshhhh.
I always wonder what Haziq is thinking when he look at me. Is he angry that I am sending him to a babysitter??? Maybe he thinks I don't love him that much. I feel guilty to the extend I think I notice Haziq refuse to look at me everytime I pick him up in the evening. OMG....this is all killing me. Talked to hubby bout this and he said...put it this way...we go out to work and earn money to support the family...to give Haziq a better life and future. yeaahh...I know but I can't help but feel guilty and sad. I wish I can stay at home and take care of Haziq 24-7 but I guess it's impossible at the moment. I cannot stand the guilt....and I see no way of getting this guilt out of my system :(
Haziq baru lepas mandi p/s: Haziq is 4 months old today..Happy Birthday my precious...love you to bits.... :)
2 comments:
Oh you are a mother alright. we all go through the same dilemma. Its ok the most important is we spend quality time with them when we are with them.
personally i think you made the right decision by taking care of Haziq. penatlah tapi when he is older you will cherish your child even more (even though kengkadang nak cubit cubit aje bila nakal).
Yayy for you. You are going to be alright. And so would Haziq
Thanks...I was a bit doubtful towards myself actually at the first place but now I feel I did make the right decision and am happy about it....
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